Sitting at the bedside of my NICU baby, I remember feeling a surplus of emotion yet emotionless at the same time. Here is this perfect tiny human, slowly but surely learning to eat, swallow and breathe while I listen to the alarms of the monitors going off around me. I feel a sneeze coming on and suddenly I am reminded of my fresh c-section scar, still bandaged from just two days ago. I look around at faces I have never seen before and suddenly feel so alone. What I wish I knew in that moment, is that I wasn’t alone. And neither are you.
These are the 10 things I wish I knew as a new NICU Mama.
1.) You are not alone
Sitting in the NICU is easily one of the most isolating experiences a new parent can endure. You know that the nurses, doctors and staff are taking the best care of your baby- but it’s supposed to be you, doing this at home. Everyone else you know that has had a baby got to bring them home; yet, here you sit watching these kind strangers do all of this for you. It isn’t fair, NICU mama. I’m with you on that one. Allow yourself to observe and learn about your baby through care times, feeding times and most importantly, your sacred skin to skin time. All of the staff is there to support you and your baby.
2.) Missed milestones are blessed beginnings
Maybe your sweet NICU baby was born before you were able to have that beautiful baby shower or before your scheduled maternity photoshoot. You missed taking weekly bump pictures or comparing the size of your baby to the relatable fruit or vegetable that week. No matter what gestation your baby was born at, they were right on time. It’s hard to believe this in the moment, but trust me when I say that watching your baby grow and thrive in the NICU is one of the most rewarding and unique experiences a parent can go through. All of the milestones you missed are blessed beginnings, just on a different path.
3.) Alarm fatigue is real
I’m sure by now you’ve heard the terms “desaturation, brady, or event” mentioned by your baby’s medical team. You’re feeding them and suddenly you hear the monitor at the bedside going crazy- the baby’s heart rate went down again while they were eating. “Great,” you think to yourself, here’s another 48 hours stuck inside these four walls. Why can’t my baby just learn to eat! I wish it was this easy, NICU mama. While it’s hard being there, you know it’s the safest and best place for your NICU baby. Don’t allow the alarms and the sounds of the NICU deter you or take away from the progress your baby has made.
4.) Build a relationship with your care team
These kind providers that at one time felt like strangers have become like family to you. You trust them wholeheartedly with your sweet NICU baby and know that when you can’t be there, they are. There is no better feeling than waking up to a text from a nurse with a picture of your baby in the latest outfit you left for them. Enjoy the sweet messages they’ll leave you and when you need a shoulder to cry on, utilize them. They are not just there to take care of your baby- they’re there for you too.
5.) Allow yourself to grieve the birth you desired
Whether you had a vaginal delivery or c-section, you may not have had the chance to experience the birth you always dreamed of. The string lights, the aromatherapy, the soothing music that you had planned for during your labor and delivery weren’t an option when you were bringing your sweet baby into the world. You wanted your baby to enter the world in a calm and loving setting; yet, they were born in a conundrum of chaos. It’s okay to grieve this experience. It’s okay to be sad and feel like you missed out. Your feelings are valid, NICU mama.
6.) Accept love and support
Some days you feel like you just want to stay at home, wrap yourself up in the biggest blanket you can find, and not come out for hours. Guess what- that’s okay! Give yourself the alone time you need to process this experience. Please just remember that your family and friends love you and WANT to support you! Many of them have likely never been through an experience like this and may not know what to say or do to help. Don’t leave them guessing. Express your needs, your wants and your desires. Allow the love and support to surround you.
7.) Take too many pictures
If there is one thing I can promise you, it is that you will never regret taking too many pictures while your sweet baby is in the NICU. Years from now, you will look back at these pictures and remember the sadness and grief you felt, but you will also remember the cute and silly things that happened along the way. Maybe your baby peed on their new outfit and the nurse left you a note “Sorry mom, I peed on this. I need a new outfit!” These are memories that in time you may find yourself racking your brain to remember- so take the picture.
8.) You are your baby’s safe place
Regardless of the medical care that is provided, always remember that your baby does in fact know that you are their sweet NICU mama. They can smell, see and sense you. Being skin to skin with you is the best place for them. It regulates their body temperature, their heart rate, their blood sugar and so much more. Give your baby the best medicine they can get- YOU!
9.) Give yourself grace and celebrate your journey
While it’s important to realize that being sad, depressed or grieving the loss of your birth experience is completely normal (I promise) it’s also important to celebrate how far you and your baby have come. Just when you feel like you can’t do this anymore, your baby will learn to eat from a bottle with no events, you’ll come in one day and the NG tube will be gone, and one morning you’ll get the call that your sweet NICU baby has passed their car seat test and is ready to come home! Don’t allow the setbacks of the NICU to define your journey. Give yourself some grace mama.
10.) You are not alone
You may realize that number 1 and 10 are the same, and that’s because it is the most important. You are a brave warrior and warriors are not meant to fight alone. Utilize your support systems and allow them to join this NICU journey with you.
Becoming a NICU mama is not for the weak. You realize that you came out at the end of this (seemingly) tragic experience a stronger woman, partner and most importantly, mother. You realize that it’s okay to grieve the birth that you always desired yet were robbed of. You realize that all of the missed milestones of pregnancy will come back to you ten-fold when you look at your thriving NICU baby.
Go easy on yourself, NICU mama. Missed milestones are an opportunity for blessed beginnings. Now go enjoy your sweet NICU baby and all that comes along with it.
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