Congratulations! You finally see that double pink line that you’ve been wanting for what seems like a lifetime. I know all of the thoughts running through your mind- How will I tell my husband? How will we announce it to our families? Will we have a gender reveal? I think a want a boy! Wait, maybe a girl? How will we decorate the nursery?? Should I start planning my registry!?
You do all of these things, plus some. You go to your anatomy scan and find out you’re having a boy. You’re thrilled! What will we name him? Will he look like my husband or me? What sports will he like? I hope he’s gentle and kind in this cruel world…
Next your family starts planning your baby shower. You choose a theme; help pick the invitations and find the perfect outfit for you and your baby’s big day. You’re showered with generous gifts from friends and family, and you can feel the loves that surrounds you. You, along with everyone else, can’t wait to meet this sweet baby boy.
You start researching labor and decide to come up with a birth plan. You would like to go into labor naturally yet you’re open to an epidural. Your husband and you decide that you two will be the only ones in the room during this monumental moment. You buy beautiful string lights, aromatherapy, an oil diffuser and research all the ways to help you stay calm, cool and collected during this experience.
The big day is here! Your water just broke, but you’re overly prepared so you tell your husband to grab the hospital bags. You thought of everything- you always do. The car seat is already installed in both cars for Pete’s sake!
You designate your husband to make the appropriate calls and texts to your friends and family- everyone has been waiting for this! You arrive at the hospital and are settled into your labor room. Your husband and doula help to set up all of the things you researched so heavily- you want the eucalyptus scents going NOW!!!!
Your labor is long and hard but you do it. Your baby is born and placed immediately onto your chest, skin to skin. This is the moment you have been waiting for since you saw those two pink lines. You stay two nights in the hospital and are already scheduling the newborn photoshoot as your husband packs up your hospital room. You’re ready to take your baby home and start this next chapter as a family of three.
You experience the thrill and joy that accompanies all of these milestones of a pregnancy- or maybe you don’t. You see, two days after that beautiful baby shower in your honor, you started to feel different. You had a relentless headache that just wouldn’t go away. You thought you were just overwhelmed and tired, took some Tylenol and tried to sleep it off. The next morning you notice your face, hands and entire body is swollen to almost double the size as usual. Your husband looks at you with worry and says maybe we should go to the hospital. You refuse, thinking he’s being ridiculous- but inside, you know something isn’t right.
You begrudgingly head to the hospital where your blood pressure is found to be dangerously high. Your medical team starts throwing terms at you that you’ve never head. Preeclampsia, proteinuria, seizures, magnesium, preterm delivery, death. DEATH????? They have to be crazy right??
As you’re being rushed over to the labor and delivery suite, your mind starts to race. I didn’t have my maternity photoshoot yet. We still haven’t chosen a name for our son. The car seat isn’t installed! There’s no way I can have this baby now! Much to your dismay, the Doctor starts telling you that you need an emergency C-Section to save both you and your babies life. Wait a minute. This is not what I planned. This is NOT how this was supposed to go? What did I do wrong? Why is my body failing me? As a woman, this is what I’m designed to do!!! I’m only 32 weeks, will he be okay?? Will I be okay?
Your husband, as supportive and loving as he is, is terrified. He waits for you to be prepped outside of the OR door. Neither one of you are in control of this situation- something you are not used to. After what feels like forever, they shout “BABY IS OUT AT 3:10 AM!” You think to yourself, what are they talking about, I didn’t hear a baby cry? You hesitantly look over at the baby bed and see what seems like a million people working to save your babies life. The tears pour down your face, and you look at your husband for comfort- but you notice his tears too. Your baby is whisked off to the NICU, and you won’t see him for over 48 hours due to your medical condition. This isn’t what you planned.
This birth story is sadly, for many, a reality. You spend the time up until you see those two pink lines thinking of the excitement and joy that pregnancy will bring you and your family. You look forward to all of those milestones that accompany it. Yet, you missed almost all of them.
It’s hard to imagine but this isn’t the end.
You look at your now almost four-year-old little boy and find it hard to think that at one time, both he and you were fighting for your lives. It seems like a lifetime ago that you were going to the NICU to visit him twice a day- fighting back tears from the pain of your c-section scar and leaky, engorged breasts. You thought life as you knew it, was over.
Becoming a NICU mama is not for the weak. You realize that you came out at the end of this tragedy a stronger woman, wife and most importantly, mother. You realize that it’s okay to grieve the birth that you always desired y
et were robbed of. You realize that all of the missed milestones of pregnancy will come back to you ten-fold when you look at your thriving NICU baby.
Go easy on yourself, NICU mama. Missed milestones are an opportunity for blessed beginnings.
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